Professional and personal skills

Human begin our professional life in day care. Professional life is anything that we or our parents pay to do or we get paid to do.

School is training or vocational institution.  However, the clients are not the children. The clients are the parents, like an adult corporation that send its employee for training. Parents send their children schooling to help them prepare their vocational skills. Now, the question is what is the motivation for the parents to send their children to school or the philosophy of the school in teaching the children?

However, the traditional school philosophy acts as if it is the customer and acts like king and expect the children and parents to follow. The government who regulate educational system expects all parents and children and the schools to follow to satisfy its needs instead of to regulate ethics and law.

In business, isn't the customer the kings? If I have to pay lots of money for something or service, I expect a high quality of service and products. Isn't the job of school or institute that provide service to provide high quality of service that produce results? Not too high and not too low?

Learning is not the only activity in life. But, learning is the only activity in professional life. But professional activity is not the only activity in life. We are a person not our profession. Our profession is only part of our personhood. So, what is there other than our profession?

It's difficult to answer because we have been brainwashed by this competitive, proggressive culture that motivate competition. It divide professional and personal as something we must do and something we want to do, work and play, work and leisure, work and recreation.

Instead, personal life is anything that we do when we are not training professionally. Even athletes don't train 24/7 everyday. Vocational become impulsive without awareness.

The job of any vocational institution is to teach and train vocational skills and provide safe environment where the trainee can learn the skills. Instead, traditional school is trying to teach to live and force the trainee to learn the skills. The motivation to learn must come from inside not outside. The institution's only job is to provide curriculum or organized training presentation and environment where a trainee can learn effectively and easily.

When we don't distinctively separate professional and personal, we are making more professionals than persons. We ignore personal needs to meet professional needs. Because, we are persons who study and work and not the other way around.

Instead, the job of the institution is to prepare an effective and motivative learning curriculum and environment instead of being coercive. The job of the trainer as service provider is to provide the service that the customers need.

We differentiate between adult training and children training. Adult training should copy the children training instead of the other way around. Unfortunately, many trainers don't care about providing service but care more about getting paycheck.

Personal life is combination of giving and taking. Yes, most of human childhood will be spent on learning activities before he can be independent and has the ability to give. Vocational activity is preparing independent behaviors and skills to provide for self. Most of the philosophy of going to school is to get a job, to get a good job. But, life is more than just a job.

School is life training environment where children learn about their environment. With this view, learning activity becomes full of wonder and curiosity. And, we can merge professional activities in our personal life. Children are naturally learning to be independent and understand their world, so step aside and help them instead of intervene and trying to take over this learning process.

We, the adults, who are teaching our children need to ask one big question in everything we do with our children: Am I doing this activity for my benefit or the child's benefit? There are many adults who relate to their children because it's a job or because they just need something to do. When we involve in children's activity, are we following their activity or are we asking them to follow ours?

Personal life is more powerful than professional life because it is backed by nature. We are born and will die as a person not our profession. Personhood is our nature, our profession is our nurture. Personal experience and skills are more powerful than professional experience and skills. Professional life is preparing us to help operating a bigger "social Personhood" such as corporation or government agencies. So in a way, to be less a person to help creating others' bigger person. We sacrifice our personal life for our professional life.

Defense

Like a country, we have defense system for our body.
There are two kinds of biological defense system, internal and external
Our external biological (EB) system is what we call psychological defense system

Our IB defense system is an emotional system of chemical process or what we call immune system
It is automatic and without our awareness
however, we can be aware of some internal violation through our emotional experience, feeling that trigger us to action to provide external intervention (medication or surgery)
The villain for IB defense is any chemical and biological entity that cut, eat away, or kill our cell and body or mutation or degeneration of cells in our body.
The external intervention (prevention or recovery) service is usually done by medical service.

Our EB defense system is what we call psychological defense system.
It is a sense/perception (mental) that trigger emotional system that motivate action to provide internal (mental intervention) and external (using people, thing, and environment) intervention.
Our EB defense system is defense system against external behavior and promise of behavior.
A dog growl, a snake hiss gives warning to stay away. A human threat gives promise to attack.
Animals don't attack, they are protecting their safety or meeting their basic needs.
Human being attack to attack, human overattack even when they feel safe and their basic needs met.
because human has mind that can overperceive or imagine to prepare future safety and future basic needs.
This is why our mind move all the time, to anticipate.

This defense system is one of the basic human skills: to meet physical needs and social skills.
We have our EB defense system against any abuse or bully or violation both in action or words
There are those who attack by witholding, or refusing social cooperation or communication, like a private demonstration
There are those who attack by witholding physical nneds.
And there are those  who simply attack threatening our safety, either by action or promise to action.
Our emotional system is part of our biological system is always working automatically
However, psychological warfare favors those who can still their  feeling (psychological emotion) and mind.
feeling/sensation (psychological emotion) is emotional reaction to imagination of mind (perception and imagination), not to sense information (impression)

so the process is like follow: mind (environment) - feeling - mind (digital senses) - mind (imagined behavior) - feeling - mind (environment) - behavior

Animal: Environment (external senses) - emotion (internal senses) - behavior - environment (external senses)

Human: Environment (external senses) - mind (perception + imagination) - feeling (internal psychological senses) - mind (digital senses) - mind (imagined behavior) - Feeling (new internal senses) - Mind (new digital senses) - mind (new environment) - behavior.

let the body move, let the emotion pass u by, just don't believe them

real body

real body is no body, doesn't belong to anyone, it just is
mind is not reality, and self is not body
thought is not mind, and mind is not reality
physicality, chemical, biological always move always change
emotional/feeling and mental do not move
emotional/feeling and mental is still
don't believe the emotional/feeling, mind will be still
don't believe the physical biological, emotion will be still

our mind move language, language is just is
like our mind move a movie or magic
our mind move psychological reality where there is none

our mind is not reality does not move like reality
our self (sense/feeling of body) is not body does not move like our body

our body and its senses always move
our experience of body and senses, feeling and mind, do not.

borderline and narcissism

Borderline dan Narcisissim adalah sepupu yang berkarakter berlawanan tetapi mereka bisa menggabungkan tenaga dan menciptakan pertahanan diri yang lebih mematikan. Borderline lebih aktif agresif dan extrovert sifatnya sedangkan Narcissism lebih pasif dan introvert. Ketika bergabung, mereka bisa menjadi pasif agresif.

Borderline dan Narcissism terbentuk dalam lingkungan yang traumatis. Trauma menghambat pertumbuhan diri. Inilah yang biasanya kita sebut umur psikologis yang kadang kita dengan orang bilang "orang itu tidak dewasa untuk orang seumur dia."

Borderline dan Narcissism adalah untuk orang dewasa bukan anak2. Sangatlah normal untuk anak2 untuk bersifat seperti borderline dan Narcissism sebagai tahap dari pertumbuhan diri. Anak2 belajar tentang dunianya dan keahliannya dengan menyatukan dirinya dengan objek yang sedang dipelajarinya, secara fisik dan mental. Seharusnya, si anak itu nanti mampu memasukan hubungan dia dengan objek itu ke dalam bentuk pikirannya dan memutus hubungan dengan objek yang benarnya. Tetapi, anak yang tidak berhasi memutuskan hubungan dengan objek akan tumbuh borderline yang akan selalu mempunyai masalah "batas" dengan orang lain. Juga sangatlah normal untuk anak anak untuk selalu mencari feedback positif dan menghindari feedback negatif karna untuk seorang anak, pikiran dan ucapan adalah kenyataan. Tidak seperti orang dewasa yang seharusnya bisa membedakan antara pendapat dan kenyataan, anak anak pikir semua pendapat itu kenyataan. Mereka masih lugu dan percaya semua yang dia dengar.

Borderline dan Narcissism juga memiliki sisi sosial bahwa mereka hanya hadir di dalam sebuah hubungan dengan orang lain. Mereka tidak hadir kalau orang lagi sendiri. Jadi, mereka itu penomena sosial dan hanya untuk orang dewasa.

Seperti dikatakan sebelumnya, borderline dan narcissism mirip satu sama lain bahwa mereka mempunyai pengharapan yang salah atau ke kanak kanakan tentang diri mereka dan dunia. Tetapi, bagaimana mereka menyelesaikan masalah mereka sangatlah berbeda. Mereka berada di pertumbuhan mental seperti anak kecil dimana mereka berpikir bahwa yang mereka pikirkan itu kenyataan. Mereka masih percaya seperti seorang anak bahwa mereka adalah pusatnya dunia dan orang harusnya mengurus mereka (borderline) atau memberikan mereka perhatian terus menerus (narcissism). Ini sangatlah pantas untuk anak2 tapi tidak untuk orang dewasa.

Tetapi, mereka berbeda bagaimana mereka menyelesaikan masalah traumatis mereka. Borderline akan mencoba mengatur objek mereka secara aggressive tapi narcissism akan menjauh dan menunggu pujian dari jejauhan.

Borderline and Narcissism are cousins with opposite characters but they can join forces and form a more deadly defense mechanism. Borderline is more active aggressive and extrovert where narcissism is more passive and introvert. When they combine forces, they become passive aggressive.

Borderline and Narcissism were born as a result of traumatic environment. Trauma arrest self development. This is what we sometimes call psychological age when we say that a person is immature for his age.

Borderline and narcissism are adults' characters not children. It is normal for children to have borderline and narcissism as part of their self development. Children learn about their world and learn skills by merging or attaching their selves with the objects, physically and mentally. Hopefully, the child successfully internalizes the attachment and detach with the real object. However, a child who is unsuccessful detach themselves from the real objects grow up to have borderline that always have boundary problem with people. It is also normal for children to crave for positive feedbacks and avoid negative feedbacks because to children, thoughts and language are real. Unlike adults who should be able to differentiate between opinion and fact, children think all opinion is fact. They are naive and believe everything.

Borderline and narcissism also have social nature that they always appear in relationship with others. There is no borderline and narcissism in private. So, they are social and for adults only.

Like stated earlier, borderline and narcissism are closely related that they both have false or childish expectation about their selves and the world. But, how they go about fixing the problems are totally different. They both have childish level of mental development that they believe their thoughts as fact. They still childishly believe that they are center of attention and people should take care of them (borderline) or gives them attention (narcissism). It is appropriate for children but not so for adults.

However, they will separate in how they fix the traumatic problem. Borderline will aggressively trying to control the objects while narcissism will move away and passively wait for admiration from a distance.

Borderline terbentuk di lingkungan yang traumatis dimana batas2 diri mereka telah di langgar yang menahan pertumbuhan diri mereka, seperti kekerasan atau penelantaran atau lingkungan yang penuh kekerasan. Karna kurangnya rasa aman, mereka gagak membangun diri mereka yang terpisah dari orang lain dan mereka "harus pegangan pilar" nya, orang lain itu. Mereka akan bermasalah dengan masalah batas2 diri, seperti masalah kontrol dan di kontrol, kedekatan dan kejauhan, ketergantungan dan kemandirian. Mereka akan mencoba menkontrol kapan mereka mau mengatur dan diatur, kapan mau dekat dan jauh, kapan mau mandiri dan tergantung. Mereka ingin orang lain memenuhi kebutuhan mereka, tetapi secara bersamaan, mereka tidak mau dipenuhi kebutuhan mereka. Mereka ingin mengatur bagaimana orang lain memenuhi kebutuhan mereka. Dalam sebuah hubungan, hubungan ini kelihatannya seperti hubungan antara majikan dan pembantu. Masalah yang akan mereka temui adalah orang lain punya kehidupan sendiri dan tidak bisa mengikuti skedule si borderline. Juga karna diri si borderline yang nempel ke orang lain, mereka juga biasanya punya masalah dengan Entitlement/pengharapan yang salah. Mereka mengharapkan orang lain harus melakukan apa yang mereka suruh. Mereka percaya yang mereka pikirkan selalu benar dan orang lain selalu salah. Mereka tidak toleransi perbedaan atau kekecewaan. Tinggal bersama mereka seperti berdiri di atas telur dimana dipenuhi rasa takut dan stress. Juga berasa seperti "maju kena mundur kena". Mereka tidak logikal atau rasional. Mereka tidak perduli siapa yang benar atau salah, karna mereka pikir mereka lah yang pasti benar. Mereka hanya mau mengatur dan dominasi. Mereka akan mengatur dan dominasi orang lain tapi mereka tidak mau diatur. Mereka berpikir kalau mereka tidak sedang mengatur, mereka sedang diatur. Mereka hidup di dunia yang hanya ada hitam dan putih. Mereka harus menjadi boss dan akan menggunakan kekerasan untuk mendapat yang mereka mau. Tapi didalamnya, mereka adalah pecah belah.

Borderline was born in traumatic environment when their boundaries was overly violated that arrest the development of self, such as abuse and neglect or hostile environment. Due to lack of safety, they fail to develop a sense of self separate from others and they "must hold on to the pillars", others. They will struggle with boundary issue such as control and being control, closeness and distance, and dependent and independent. They will try to control when they want to control and be controlled, when to be close and to be alone, and when to be independent and dependent. They want others to take care of them but at the same time they don't like being cared for by others. They want to control how others taking care of them. In relationship, this looks like a master-maid relationship. The problems are that other people have their own life and can't follow the borderline's life schedule. Due to borderline's merged self, they also have issue with FALSE ENTITLEMENT. They expect others to do what they ask or say all the time. They believe that their thoughts about the world is true and others are false. They don't tolerate difference or disappointment well. Living with them feels like standing on egg shells full of fear and anxiety. It also feels like "damned if I do, damned if I don't". They are not logical or rational. They don't care who's right or wrong, because they are always right. They just want to control and be dominant. They will control and dominate but don't want to be controlled. They perceive that if they are not in control, they are being controlled. They live in black and white world. They want to be BOSS and bully all the time. But, inside, they are fragmented.

 Narcissism juga terlahir dari lingkungan yang traumatis dimana kebutuhan dasar mereka tidak terpenuhi. Untuk mengimbangi, mereka terlalu mengimbangi. Mereka membuat diri yang terlalu ideal untuk dipuja. Kalau borderline lebih agresif, narcissism lebih pasif. Karna citra diri mereka yang ketinggian dan gak nyata, mereka selalu kecewa dan sedih yang malah menambah narcissism mereka. Citra adalah segalanya dan mereka akan menghancurkan keuangan dan hubungan mereka untuk citra. The Joneses adalah contoh paling jelas dari narcissism. Contoh narcissism yang lain adalah Michael Scott, boss yang ada di TV sitcom The Office. Narcissism itu dangkal karna mereka itu kosong dibalik citra mereka. Mereka kehausan perhatian dan pujaan dan harus menjadi pusat perhatian dunia setiap saat. Masalahnya mereka bukan anak kecil lagi yang sudah tidak perlu perhatian begitu besar dan tidak perlau menjadi pusat perhatian dunia dan orang akan memperlakukan mereka seperti seorang dewasa. Ini akan membuat mereka kecewa dan membuat mereka lebih narciss lagi. Inilah yang biasa disebut Luka narcissism. Jadi, tinggal dengan mereka juga "maju kena mundur kena". Kalau kita manjain dia seperti anak2 dengan memuja dan muji, kita sebenernya memperkuat narcissismnya. Tapi kalau kita memperlakukan mereka secara sehat, kita akan membangunkan luka narcissismnya dan akan memperkuat narcissismnya.

Narcissism was also born in traumatic environment where their basic needs were not met. To compensate, they over compensate. They create this over idealistic self to be admired. If borderline is more aggressive, Narcissism is more passive. Due to their over idealistic and unrealistic expectation of self, they are always disappointed and sad that feed their narcissism. Image is everything and they will bankrupt their finance and relationship for this image. The Joneses is the clear example of narcissism. Another classic example of narcissism is Michael Scott, the Boss, in the TV sitcom the Office. They are shallow because they have nothing beyond the image. They crave attention and admiration and must be the center of the world all the time in relationship. The problem is that they are not children anymore and don't need that much attention and don't need to be the center of the world anymore and people will treat them as such. This lead to dissapointments that feed to their narcissism. This is called Narcissistic Injury. So again, living with them feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you pamper them like children by admiring and praising them all the time, you are strengthening their narcissism, if you treat them like healthy adults, you trigger the narcissistic injuries and strengthen their narcissism.

Menurut satu artikel, 36% populasi orang yang mempunyai borderline dan narcissism. Kombinasi ini adalah pertahanan diri yang sangat efektif dan mematikan. Mereka sekarang bisa menyembunyikan agressifnya dibelakang topeng yang menyenangkan. Kasus yang paling parah adalah yang disebut psikopathy. Ketika borderline atau narcissism tidak di bantu, mereka akan bergabung untuk lebih efektif. Borderline bergabung karna perbuatan borderline yang agresif biasanya tidak diperbolehkan atau diizinkan oleh hukum di banyak negara. Jadi, mereka belajar untuk menyembunyikan perbuatan agresifnya dan berpura2 menjadi orang yang baik. Mereka seperti "Serigala berkulit domba".

According to one article, 36% of population has both borderline and narcissism. This is a very effective and deadly defense mechanism. They can hide their aggressiveness under the likable image. The severe case of this is psychopathy.When untreated, Borderline and narcissism merge to complement each other. Borderline aggressive behaviors are usually not allowed and illegal in most countries. Thus, they learn to hide their aggressiveness and pretend to be good citizens. So, they are like "wolves with sheep clothing".

Narcissism bergabung dari arah yang berlawanan. Ketika tidak dibantu, narcissism akan semakin menjadi depresi dan kecewa sehingga mereka akan berontak. Tapi, karna mereka kompulsiv untuk menjaga citra mereka, mereka hanya akan mengeluarkan kekerasan mereka di tempat yang tersembunyi, seperti di hubungan yang privat. Sama, mereka pun seperti "serigala berkulit domba". Dengan kata lain, borderline yang memiliki citra narcissism atau narcissism yang berkelakuan borderline.

Narcissism merge with borderline from the opposite direction. When not treated, narcissism fell deeper into bottomless pit of depression and dissapointments that they decide to do something about it. But, due to its compulsion to maintain his positive image, he will show his aggressiveness in the dark and private, such as private relationship. Again, they become "wolves with sheep clothing". In other words, borderline develop narcissism image or narcissism that develop borderline aggressiveness.

Yang menyedihkan tentang Borderline atau Narcissism atau keduanya adalah mereka mensabotasikan apa yang sebenernya mereka inginkan. karna B/N adalah sistem pertahanan diri, fungsi pertama mereka adalah untuk melindungi diri, dan kedua, untuk memenuhi kebutuhan hidup. Sayangnya, untuk mellindungi diri, dia harus mengorbankan yang kedua. Inilah mengapa sangatlah normal untuk anak anak untuk memiliki karakter B/N untuk melindungi si anak dari bahaya sewaktu masa pertumbuhan dimana secara bersamaan si anak tidak perlu memenuhi kebutuhannya sendiri. Kalau si anak tumbuh di lingkungan yang tidak sehat dimana mereka harus memenuhi kebutuhannya sendiri, B/N masih akan membantu mereka memenuhi kebutuhannya sendiri. B/N adalah perlindungan diri yang berlebihan dari lingkungan yang terlalu mengekang dan reaksi emosi yang berlebihan untuk memenuhi kebutuhan, lingkungan yang normal untuk masa kanak2. Tetapi, untuk orang dewasa, B/N bukan malah membantu tapi malah menghalangi memenuhi kebutuhan kita dan proteksi diri. Proteksi diri yang berlebihan dan reaksi emosi yang berlebihan menyandera pikiran logis dan menghalangi si orang dengan B/N untuk menyelesaikan tugas2 dan tanggung jawab sebagai orang dewasa dan membuat orang lain menjauh. B/N melakukan apa yang mereka lakukan untuk mendapatkan kasih sayang dan perhatian, tapi orang malah menjauh. Borderline hanya ingin memiliki rasa kontrol atas diri dan lingkungannya (hal yang normal), tapi semakin mereka kontrol secara berlebihan, semakin mereka kehilangan kontrol. B/N selalu mempunyai kompleks inferioritas dimana mereka harus kompensasi yang berlebihan dengan proteksi diri yang berlebihan dan reaksi emosi yang berlebihan. Mereka selalu merasa kekurangan yang harus mereka tutupi dengan melakukan sesuatu yang berlebihan.

The sad thing about borderline or narcissism or both is that they sabotage what they really want. B/N are defense mechanism, first to protect the self, and second, to meet its needs. Unfortunately, in protecting the self, it will sacrifice the second. This is why it is normal and neccessary for children to be B/N to protect the self from growing up hazzard when children don't have to worry to meet its needs. In the dysfunctional environment where they do have to meet their needs, B/N can help them to get the needs met. B/N are OVER protection of self from OVER structured environment and OVERreaction to meet needs in childhood. However, B/N for adults are a counterproductive service that used to work in childhood, to protect self and to meet needs. Its overprotection and overreaction hijack adults logical thinking and disable a person with B/N to complete adult's tasks and turn away people. B/N acts out to be accepted and loved, but in the process, they are turning away people. Borderline acts out to have sense of control, but the more they control people, the more they lose control. B/N always have inferiority complex where they overcompensate with their overprotection and overreaction. They always feel under that they always have to overdo.

Dalam pemerintahan dan perusahaan, borderline hadir dan mengatur dengan penyalahgunaan kekuasaan dan korupsi. Mereka sangatlah penuh nafsu dan akan menggunakan kekerasan untuk mendapatkan yang mereka mau. Narcissism akan mengatur lebih lewat diplomasi seperti public relations dan damage control untuk menciptakan citra palsu. Tetapi, di organisasi yang kacau, borderline dan narcissism ada menyalahgunakan kekuasaan dan korupsi tapi bersembunyi dibalik topeng public relations and damage control untuk menciptakan citra palsu.

In government and corporation, borderline govern with abuse of power and corruption of money. They are highly hedonistic and will bully to get their way. Narcissism will govern more with public relations and damage control creating false image. However, in a highly dysfunctional organization, there are both borderline and narcissism that abuse power and corrupted but hide under public relation and damage control of false images.

Dalam hubungan, borderline dan narcissism mungkin telah menghancurkan lebih banyak hubungan dibanding faktor2 lain. Borderline dan narcissism tidak mengikuti peraturan yang sama dengan orang lain di hubungan tersebut. Mereka tidak ada empati dan tidak perduli dengan perasaan dan pikiran orang lain. Mereka cuma perduli dengan orang lain dan mengharapkan orang lain untuk perduli tentang dirinya dan mengharapkan orang lain untuk melayani semua kebutuhannya. Mereka akan ngambek atau menangis seperti seorang korban kalau tidak mendapatkan yang mereka mau. Mereka tidak perduli dengan solusi yang dua duanya menang, karna mereka pikir mereka lah pemenangnya. Mereka menghisap energi dari orang lain tapi selalu ngerengek bahwa tidak ada yang sayang dia. Mereka akan memperlakukan orang seenaknya tapi selalu ngerengek bahwa mereka diperlakukan tidak adil.

In relationship, borderline and narcissism probably destroy more relationships than any other reasons. Borderline and narcissism don't play by the same rules with others. They lack empathy and don't care about others' feelings and thoughts. They only care about themselves and expect the partners to cater to his needs. They will throw tantrum or cry like a victim when not getting their way. They don't care for win win solution because they always have to win. They suck energies from others and always complain that nobody loves them. They treat others anyway they want but always complain that they have been treated unfairly.

Kalau anda merasa terlalu tertekan, depresi, tidak enak, takut, stress yang berlebihan, mungkin si borderline atau narcissism hadir di hubungan anda. Mereka sangat gampang tumbuh di lingkungan yang tidak ada strukturnya. Hal yang terbaik yang bisa anda lakukan adalah membuat struktur untuk menyelamatkan diri anda. Karna borderline dan narcissism terbuat di lingkungan yang terlalu strik atau dipingit, mereka sebenernya akan berfungsi lebih baik di lingkungan yang punya struktur. Kalau kamu sedang berada di hubungan seperti ini, anda sedang mengalami trauma dan dibuat menjadi victim. Buatlah struktur dalam hubungan anda sebagai langkah pertama proses penyembuhan diri anda. Janganlah mencoba untuk MENYEMBUHKAN borderline atau narcissism karna anda tidak tahu seperti apakah mereka itu. Anda sedang mempunyai hubungan dengan seorang anak kecil yang sedang berpura2 menjadi orang dewasa. Memang betul, bahwa seperti semua orang, mereka juga perlu kasih sayang dan diterima, tapi kasih sayang dan diterima tidaklah tepat saat ini karna hanya akan menguatkan masalahnya. Seperti makan es krim sewaktu kita sedang baktu, hanya akan memperburuk batuk kita. Carilah bantuan untuk anda sendiri dulu. Seperti dibilang diatas, sangatlah normal untuk seorang anak untuk berlaku borderline atau narcissism sebagai bagian dari pertumbuhan dirinya, tapi mereka masihlah seorang anak yang masih dibawah kontrol kita. Ini adalah masalah besar kalau seorang dewasa yang berlaku seperti seorang anak karna orang dewasa sudah sulit dikontrol dan mereka seharusnya sudah bukan berada di bawah kontrol orang dewasa yang lain.

If you feel OVERLY oppressed, depressed, toxic, afraid, anxious, you may have one of these or both in your relationship. They strive in lack of structured environment. The best thing to do is to provide structure to protect yourself. Since Borderline and narcissism are created in overly structured environment, they actually will get better in structured environment. If you are in one of these relationship, you have been traumatized and victimized. Creating structure is part of your healing process to heal yourself. Consider it a warning not to try to HEAL them because you don't know what you are dealing with. You are dealing with a child in adult relationship, a child who only pretends like an adult. It is true that like everybody else, they need love and acceptance, but love and acceptance are counterproductive if they only strengthen the problems. Just like eating ice cream when we have a cough, it s gonna make it worst. Get help for yourself first. Like stated earlier, it is normal for children to have borderline or narcissism or both as part of their self development, but they are still children and are still under our control. It is a problem to deal with adults who acts like children because they are not supposed to be under our control.

love hate

Love the person, not the relationship
Love people, not the rules
Rules could be used as handcuff to oppress us
The problems are not that there is no rules but when we hurt others
Rules are logical structures to allow people to co exist together
however, people are too complex to fit into rules
and rules can be used to control others where one person don't follow the same rule
rules are made for people, not the other way around
most importantly, love self before loving others
so, love self before loving relationship or rules
break rules if you must, but don't break others
sometimes, it is necessary to break rules to save others
break people who hurt others
especially, break rules that hurt people
break society to save a person
why save the world but losing the self
why in relationship that hurt a person
rules and relationship is social construct that control behaviors to maintain coexistence
but in crisis, the life of rules and relationship must be suspended for the life of self.

Life

Living is like driving a car
Incompetence regulate others, competence regulates self

Individual self is a product of individuation, it's collection or system of competent navigational skills.
selfothers are self in incompetence stage

Individuation is internalization:
1. Pre-competence:
SELF and OBJECTS are separate

2. Incompetence:
SELF and OBJECTS AND SELF-OBJECTS (incompetence objects)

3. Competence:
The self from SELF-OBJECTS unite with SELF, and the OBJECT from SELF-OBJECT unite with OBJECTS.

EVERYTHING IS INTERNALIZATION OR INDIVIDUATION PROCESS.

Inner Child

Inner child is playful. Sometimes, our inner child is alive but imprisoned, afraid, sad, angry but afraid, still wanting to go out. This is suffering. Our behavior feeling thoughts are done to protect this child. This child is following the inner parents and adults and pretending to be the adults but not being happy. We always have that Playful Instinct, but was punished and surpressed. When it is safe, it will go out and buy whatever it wants, steal, smoke, using drugs, corrupting, acting in and out. All acting in and out is the act of this child and its rebellion. The protectors acts toward the child.

The more surpressed the child is, the more violent and compulsive/impulsive his rebellion is. He will rebel against morality (sacrifice own instinct), selflessness (sacrifice own self), pressure to perform (sacrifice own self and emotion), to be emotionally available/sensitive (sacrifice own emotion), pressure to be logical (sacrifice own thoughts), to be loyal (sacrifice on independence), to be funny, and to be controlled, and pressure to be obedience.

The inner child is still alive and source of afflictive emotion. Its nature is to play, to explore safely and happily. it's goal is the perfect environment. Playing gives the closest expression to the environment. All of our behavior, thoughts, and feeling is geared toward helping the child/victim to get to the environment. This is where pleasure is confused as happiness. Pleasure is medication for pain. We help the child by protecting the child to experience the environment.